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how am i suppose to express how i feel when i dont even really know how i feel?

actually thats a lie. I DO know how i feel, but I dont know what to do with those feelings... I dont know if i SHOULD express them. Should I hide them? Should I bury them deep down to where they dont exist anymore? Why does my heart hurt when I think of such things?

i know. theres so much i have to take care of first. so many things that have to be done. but whos to say that they have to be done this way and in this time? wait... im jumping the gun a bit. I wanted to talk about the heart. the heart is an interesting thing. I have experienced heartbreak. But i have also experienced the pain that comes with it. I have felt my heart HURT and its not the best feeling in the world. I think I've always been an intuitive person, I know how to read people... but most importantly i know how to read myself. I've always been in tune with my body, but Im also in tune with my mind, my heart, my soul.

It hasnt always been this way, maybe in the last couple of years have I opened my mind, heart, & soul to this idea of being "awake" and its really only been about 8 months since i've actively been working on being "awake". I just... listen to myself, listen to my body and what it wants. Sometimes, I dont listen to it and do what I want, but I always end up paying for it. But... I should trust what my body is telling me, and when I do its always the best results. Its the same with my mind. I have been using the same intuition with my mind that i have always seem to have with my body. I've started to listen to myself, listen to the answers I already have.

I guess in a more spiritual sense, I've really been able to connect and be one with myself. And maybe with doing so has connected me to God even more. I've never been religious. Even as a small child, as much as i desired to be (even if part of it was to please my dad), i just never fit. It never felt right, like I was meant to learn and listen in a different way. I think I knew at a very young age that religion wasnt how I was going to find and understand a higher power. when i ended up taking a religions class in college, I decided that if I were to ever seriously practice a religion, I'd probably go into Buddhism. It seems to me, to make the most sense. Theres no sure fire way to get to heaven, and even if you do everything in your power to be "right" it doesnt make it right. Just be a good person, the best way you know how. Love. Care. Be gentle and understanding. Dont vow to be the best anything when it comes to religion, just vow to be you.

Love is this universal language that everyone wants to put a label on. they want to put a label on how to do it, who to do it with, and if you do it with the wrong person... if you love the wrong person, then you need to be prayed for. I dont understand, how can you love the wrong person? how can love be wrong?

Anyways, before i get on to a totally different rant... changing my mind from thinking that i needed religion to thinking no, Im more spiritual has been eye opening. I think for years i gave up on both, because i didnt understand. I couldnt be spiritual enough.. i couldnt understand enough to separate having spirit and having religion. and it wasnt until I woke up. Until i opened my mind, heart, and soul to the universe... to myself... and finally to God. I have my own relationship with Him and thats all that matters. I dont need a church, or a group of people to tell me how to love this higher power. I dont need a religion to judge me and my personal and very special relationship with God. He understands me because He created me. What more could I ask for? and because He created me, all I have to do is open myself, and willingly allow Him into my life. Because I've finally dropped the curtains and I've been awaken... I feel more at peace.

Now, thats not to say Im stress free... because life IS hell. its hell on earth, and it causes the most stress.. Even when everything is going to go right, it has to go wrong first. Im not in control of that. I can only learn the lessons that I was meant to learn from them and move on.

Which brings me back full circle. I am awake. But... what happens when you open your heart so much. You find so many answers that you dont know how to deal with them? and what happens when your answers have to do with someone else. someone else who has just a big of a decision to make as you do?

I guess... I just have to continue to focus on myself... until whatever answers I have come into play. I have so much more to do. and im so excited about them. Im excited for life and Im excited for the journey. An end point isnt even my concern anymore because the end point isnt up to me. As of now, the end is non-existent. Its about now. Its about the one big thing i have to accomplish every day. And that big thing will change every day, until the day that God decides that the end is near. But until then, thats none of my concern. What is my concern is keeping my eyes and heart open. Listening to my soul and continuing my spiritual journey.

until next time...