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Tonight i have realized just how much and how long it take to heal. to heal from a broken heart, to heal from hurt, to heal from hurting someone.

some say to still talk about something means that you havent healed yet. that you havent gotten over it. its all about forgetting and moving on. but i think thats just a quicker way into tricking urself. and before you know it RELAPSE.

its no secret to most who my first love was. those who know me KNOW exactly… my internet buddies may know through blog entries. either way, i had it BAD. i was deeply in love. i was in love with him, i was in love with the idea of him, i was in love with the idea of love. that lasted for 3 years and 7 months.

and then my world crumbled when he cut ties with me completely last year in July.

not to mention he got away with my four-hundred dollar Playstation 3 (no no, not bitter.. just stating facts!)

anyways, i knew it was going to happen. i mean for godsakes. i left him 7 months prior with 6 months left in our lease and a shitload of furniture he had to find a place for. i took my deep personal belongings and left the rest for him to clean up. i left a lot of hurt behind and then splattered a love affair with girl all over my facebook for all to see. a love affair that continued off and on. something that created even more drama than needed. a security blanket made out of the wrong material. revenge. rebound. lust. loving the idea of love.

i was a complete mess. and i knew i made a mistake i couldnt take back.

but anyways, that was then… and now… its today :]

you know we’ve all done it. someone breaks up with you and then you suddenly have this obsession with checking their facebook page, urges to call them, send them messages. fortunately, i kept most of that at bay this time, because i was determined to move on this time regardless. i wanted to be better for myself and be happy again. so when the next came along i was able to learn and have a better more healthier relationship.

i did check his facebook page. he had it on private, but i could still see his pictures and his friends. after about a week from cutting ties with me he had a picture up with his new girlfriend. and with that i was able to find her page and she had a picture up of the two of them naturally. on his friends list he had deleted all his exes or anyone he ever had sexual contact with.

i was angry. i wanted to know why he couldnt have done that for me? why her and why not me? how could he be so happy with her and not me?

i started to beat myself up over that. i blamed myself for everything. i hit the deep dark bottom. i didnt do anything, talk to anyone. i cut my whole world off.

anyways. tonight was the first time in two, almost three months that i looked at his facebook page. i think it was out of curiosity more than anything. i wanted to gauge my reaction. i wanted to make sure i was healing and not pretending. i’ve been so happy, i didnt want another break down.

when i clicked on his page i felt… nothing. there was a new picture up from the last time i looked. to be honest, i actually smiled. out of happiness. i was happy for him. because the guy that i saw in that picture was the same one i met years ago. happy, healed, and good.

my heart didnt ache, it smiled. i didnt feel sick to my stomach, i didnt want to cry. it was an amazing feat for myself. and then i went to my own profile and saw the picture of me and my beau. and i swear that picture spoke a million words to me. i saw how happy i AM. and its a happiness i havent seen in awhile in myself.

im happy. and i dont feel guilty to be happy. im living and twirling. im loving and im enjoying… my relationship now doesnt feel like revenge, or something to hurt someone else. it doesnt feel like a “show off” or something to flaunt. it feels real and it feels right.

Im healed. and im still healing.

i love and i am loved.

and its healthy, paced, and understanding.

living and twirling.