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Its times like these that i wish i had my car already. i hate feeling trapped. i hate being in love. i hate loving someone so much. i hate myself for leaving sometimes. thats the worse feeling. Sometimes i feel like i know exactly why i left, and it gives me a sense of peace... and well sometimes i dont even know why i left... and it tears my world apart.

Fuck. Maybe I am bipolar. Extreme highs, and extreme lows. i cant even control them.

i knew something was different this time... and it keeps getting further and further away from what would have usually been happening. some of the difference was positive.. and well, the rest, not so much.

maybe this time its forreal. my glimmer of hope is gone. maybe this is it.

this is it.

of course. i turned my back on someone that i loved with everything. why would i expect anything more then the same action done to me.

i feel myself falling back into how i was before him... and it scares me. its effortless to ease back into what i was instead of trying to move forward in the growth that i have gained.

the only good thing? i'm two semesters away from graduating.

the bad thing? at this point... that seems to be a very dim light at the end of the tunnel.

look at what has happened... I guess I let love make a fool out of me.

i dont know.. maybe i sound too dramatic. but something has changed. i feel it in my heart. its different from before. it irks me in every way possible. is it that he's moving on? does that mean i need to do the same? how do you even know when to do it? i've tried before, but i came right back.

i feel...

stupid.

im trying to figure this all out but all that just keeps coming back is....

stupid.stupid.stupid.stupid.

i should probably stop beating myself up.

ha, that will be the day.

and now i sound crazy...

damn.