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Its been awhile, i know. but there's no excuses from me because i have a lot i need to get off my chest.

do you ever wonder why? do you ever ask why is this happening to me? why do I have to go through this? regardless of your religious beliefs, i think EVERYONE does. i know in the past three years i have. its been such an emotional roller coaster of trying to take control of my life, to do things MY way and to sought out a love that wasn't right for me anymore.

all things happen for a reason. yes... i know everyone hates that saying, because things happen, and a lot of time you cant figure out WHY they happen. and you go through all these motions and hurts and pains and clouds and storms... and then what? you come out on the other end, and your happy. but yet, you still cant figure out the exact reason. some people don't even bother with reason, they're just happy to get through it. unfortunately.. or maybe fortunately for me, i always look for reason. i want to know why things happen, what was the purpose and what is it that i had to learn for me to go through such a situation. i cant settle for, "well that's just the way things are..." NOPE that does NOT settle with me.

at different times between 2007 and now... i constantly asked why am I going through this, or why did I go through this? Sometimes lessons and answers aren't learned until its completely over and when i thought they were, God obviously had something else planned before it was to be completely done.

there's no secret that i had been in this on again off again relationship for three years. there's no secret that i moved to Arizona, acted like everything was fine and dandy and then all of a sudden came back home. there's no secret that when i came back home i jumped into another relationship with yes, a woman. and there is NO secret to the fact that i think i have found my true, God sent, love in her. Yes i will say i was in love Jimmy, because i was. Did i think he was my true love? absolutely. But was I in love with the idea of him, or actually in love with him.. at this point and time its something that i don't want to question because its irrelevant. all that matters is that there was love involved and sometimes love makes you do crazy things.

love can make you look past your standards, and make you forget about what you look for in a person. love can make you settle. love can make you blind to things. love is dumb, but you cant live without it. the thing is, you have to find the right love to live with. not even that, but the right love for YOU.

Everyone can say this and that about a person, but if the love is right for you, and really honestly truly right for you, where there's no reason to cover up any point of your relationship to anyone... where you don't feel like you're loosing who you are as a person... then keep it. and hold on to it. because its God sent, and you might never get another one of those.

When Keena and I first met, i think it was a test run... I was still blinded by A LOT. the veil was slowly coming off, but i wasn't quite ready yet. but instantly i loved her. and i knew it was real, because it wasn't that over exaggerated love/lust i had felt with everyone else i had dated before. i wasn't crazed, or obsessed or craved the attention. i just really enjoyed being with her. there was never any awkwardness, and i was so at ease in her presence. I think God put her there at that moment, to let me know that i had someone... she wasn't going to wait forever, but i had someone... that there was someone with everything that i had been looking for. that i truly did have a soul mate. I was blessed, because even though she claims to not have as much patience as i do, she understood that i had a lot of unfinished business to take care of. i think God put that understanding in her unbeknown to her.

So i went to Arizona.. and at the time, this was to be my permanent home. I thought i would be here forever with Jimmy. So many things happened that i wanted to cover up. things that he did, things that i did... things that WE did. Very painfully obvious wrong situations and arguments. Things that just didn't make sense, but yet because of that love factor, we were blind to what we were doing. Obviously God had other things planned in this thing called "Cacey's Life" and once the light was shone upon me, i couldn't help but find my way back home. Then it was like i was back home, and i was with Keena, but i still couldn't understand... it couldn't have been that simple. all that pain and hurt for three years, for me to come back home and have it be as simple as that... i was still looking for the answer to my why.

And then after three years of being defiant and three months, three days of finally trying to just let God guide me... I've finally gotten my answer. and although my head hurts from all the wisdom from up above being poured into it, my heart feels good and free.

I wondered why it took three years of me being blinded by such a beautiful thing to make me learn the big lesson. but its obvious. I'm stubborn, haha. Not even that, but it was time that had to be taken to make me see my wrongs and his wrongs, and to not make excuses anymore and make me see why the relationship wasn't right. i had to learn on my own through God's help, and not through anyone else.

I also wondered why i went through three years of what i went through and why i couldn't stop my self from going back so many times. It was all about learning and preparing me for this something better that i do have now in my hands. its was prepping me in how to conduct myself and how to work in a healthy relationship.. to realize that not everything is going to be perfect, but change and adjustment has to come from both sides of the table to make a union work. it taught me how to use the patience that i have, and not to let people use that said patience as allowance to walk all over me. to know when to put my foot down and be assertive, and to know when to be understanding and forgiving. i learned balanced. and i learned that a relationship cannot be one sided, but that each side is a work in progress... and when you decide to be in a relationship, you take on each others work in progresses and work on them together, as one. Regardless if its a marriage or not, when you decide to be in a committed relationship with someone, that's usually whats in mind. if you're committed to someone, then you have marriage on the brain.. I hate when people say, "Well you guys aren't even married so why deal with each others drama?" and its like, why do you have to wait until marriage to work out problems? marriage is suppose to be a happy time... that's when you have things figured out and you KNOW you can live the rest of your lives together. i don't see it as the time to get serious. you get married because you ARE serious and you already know how to work through any future problems to come.

I'm happy. I can really say that now, even though i KNOW i have said it in the past. but this is a different happy. I'm with someone that understands me, and i understand her. We both understand that we won't always agree with each other, but we're subjective enough to try to understand and take what we can from it. We work along side of each other and is ready to battle out anything that comes against us as a whole and individually. We both gain a lot from each other and we'll continue to gain from each other, because we leave any and everything out on the table. We're open with each other and we're not afraid to indulge in disclosure. I think if i were to be given this before these past three years, i wouldn't know how to treat it. i wouldn't appreciate it as much as i do now, i wouldn't be able to see it for what i see it now. I think after i learned what i needed to learn from my last situation, and how serious God saw I was about love and being with the someone that was meant to walk with me, to keep me sane, He granted it to me.

i love her. sometimes it seems too simple, but still, its just right.