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its been a long while since i've updated. alot of moving around, moving on, and moving up. alot i'd like to speak on. alot that im trying to heal from. but for right now i think this sums up everything pretty well.

i was going through one of my cd roms of janet files (yes i have cds dedcated to janet, haha) and found this letter that she had written in her 2001 All For You tour book. it put a smile on my face and made me feel better about the journey im currently on. maybe it'll shine some light for you too :)

"I've been blessed with beautiful friends. Those
friends have become my family. My friends have
helped me stay steady and sane. Along with my
fans, they've been there when I've needed
support. In these past three years since the
Velvet Rope tour I've gone through changes. A lot
has happened. I'd like to share with you
something of what I've learned.

I'm not an expert on anything except
trying to be the best me I can be. All I can do
is report from my own life lessons. Sometimes I
think fans get an inflated impression of the
entertainers they like. Maybe we entertainers add
to the inflation by trying to look flawless and
act perfectly. When you break it down, we're
faced with the same kind of fears most everyone
has. At least that's true for me. My fears are
pretty simple: I'm afraid I'm not a good enough
dancer, or singer, or actress. Some might think
that sounds silly, since I've had success. But,
to me, no fear is silly-not yours and not mine.
For much of my life, I was ashamed of my fears,
and that only made it worse. Stuffing fears only
seemed to strengthen them.

Now I'm trying to give myself the right
to be human, the right to be afraid. I don't mean
I go around shaking and trembling, but when
uncertainty pops up, rather than hide it, I admit
it. I talk about it. I gather my friends around
me and discuss it. I tell them just how I feel.
When they need me, I try to be a good listener.
My friends are honest about their feelings, and
I'm honest about mine. In my mind, the bravest
act is honesty. If i tried to live up to
an image of what I should be, I would be in
trouble. When I'm just being myself, I'm fine.

Then there's romance. As you may know,
my long-term relationship ended. That was
something else that made me afraid-afraid I'd
never get this relationship thing right, afraid
I'd never find another soulmate. It was another
area where the public had to forget my image and
remember I'm just another human being. When it
comes to love, I can make poor choices; I can
fall too hard, become confused, lose my way. I
might have been playing out a pattern begun by my
mother or my mother's mother or her mother's
mother. Who knows? Whatever the case, I had to
break the pattern, face the fear and move on.

Finding myself has always been my
challenge. Maybe that's true for all of us.
Finding myself has taken 35 years, and I still
haven't completed the task. I began as a child
who was privileged and sheltered; I was introduced
into show business when I was still a baby. It
was wonderful, frightening and exciting. It was
an environment in which self-knowledge was never
stressed. How do others view you?-was the
key question-never, How do you view yourself?
Maybe it was just an exaggerated version of
what everyone goes through: We go through life
worrying about what the world thinks of us.
That worry can turn into a nasty critic who keeps
whispering in our ear-you're not good enough;
you're doing it all wrong; you'll never get it
right.

How do we handle the nasty critic? I'd
like to kill off the critic, but that doesn't
work. He-or she-has been there too long to
disappear overnight. So I try to accept it as
part of me. The more I accept those parts of me I
don't like, and the more I work on changing them,
the less pronounced they become.

I'm writing this to you because I have a
feeling that, although we're different, we're also
the same. We're all fighting fear; we're all
fighting the nasty critic; we're all fighting
falling self-esteem and rising self-abuse; we're
all trying to take better care and be kinder to
ourselves. For me, finding that kindness depends
upon believing in something greater than myself.

I believe in determination and heart. I
believe that, despite our doubts we do what we
have to do. We press on. We get up and go to
school, go to work, deal with our relationships,
learn what needs to be learned. We work towards
our goals and pursue our dreams. We don't let
fears stop us.

I believe in your uniqueness, in your
special gifts, just as I've come to believe in
mine.

I also believe in God. God as a
source of strength and protection against
negativity, God who lives inside us and guides us
into the light of learning. God-the loving spirit
within-is how I wake up in the morning and face
the tasks ahead. In my work, in entertaining you
with the music that reflects the passion of my
soul, I find joy.

I hope you feel that joy in my songs and
my show. That joy is all for you.

I thank you for staying with me all these
years, and, in so many ways, encouraging me to be
true to myself. I can only wish the same for you."

-janet