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Emotions. Tons of them. but for once i know why they are there and its all stemmed from one person that i'd never thought they would exactly come from. Thursday June 25, 2009 is the day i felt my world was crashing to the ground and my eyes were opened. It seemed like if not all, almost all of the world was effected by Michael Jackson's passing. Even linking those words together for me just seems so unnatural.

I had slept in that morning, completely missed class and everything. Only to be woken up by a text message saying that Michael Jackson was in the hospital. At that, i scratched my head, shrugged and proceeded to get up and wash my face. I thought nothing of it really, but being the Jackson fans we are in my family, if anything remotely goes on with the Jackson's (Mostly Janet and Michael) theres some kind of word going around through texts. As i came out the bathroom, my brother in law, which if you know how i am about Janet that's how he is about Michael, was in our "office" looking up the whole Michael situation on yahoo. He called me in there asking if i had heard anything and i kinda shrugged and said i had gotten a text message earlier about it and that he probably just has a cold or something, you know how they be overreacting sometimes just because hes a celebrity. My bro in law nodded and was like yeeah, like he was trying to convince himself. At that i spun around and proceeded downstairs to get my morning cherrios. a short while later he came down after me and said that michael was having trouble breathing and thats why he was at UCLA hospital. i nodded and said that he would probably be fine and he said yeah and that he was gonna try and go up to the hospital and just show some fan support. I smiled at him, he smiled back and that was the end of it. About 10 mins later, my mom calls me and tells me to hurry up and turn on the news because there were reports that Michael Jackson had passed. I couldnt believe my ears as i smiled in disbelief thinking she was messing around. Then her voice grew really serious and she told me no, that she was being serious and to turn on the news. So i flipped on the tv, and it was a mass of coverage on every channel everything from saying Michael was in a coma, to he had already passed, to cardiac arrest... i didnt know what to believe or to report back to my mother. By this time it was already 2:30pm Los Angeles time.

As i continued to watch the news, i was on the phone with Jimmy and at around 4:30 or maybe it was closer to 5pm, i dont remember... they announced that Michael had died at about 2:21 pm. At that moment the tears started chasing each other down my face. I had no words as I became extremely quiet on the phone. Jimmy noticed and automatically asked me what was wrong... and all i could say is "Michael Jackson died" and i lost it.

I knew i would cry. Im a sensitive person as is, but this man also meant something to me. I've always been known as the biggest Janet fan. but those who really know me, knows that my love of Janet grew from my love of Michael. He was my first crush, my first cd and my first idol. he made feel good music that always had the underlying positive message. he promoted the well being of humanity and how we all need to ban together to heal the world from the tarnish it had suffered. he was out on a mission and i know he had many followers behind him. Me being 5,6 and 7 years old, i never really did catch on the message, but i just loved his music and his voice. It was also then when i was 7 that he released the History album, and i discovered more and more about Janet. My obsession for Janet grew from there, although i had known about her music since the janet. album.

But my journey of Michael didnt start at 5,6 or 7. it started before i was even born. it started with my mom and my aunt. They pretty much grew up with the Jackson 5 with my mom being 3 years older than Michael. They remember highlighted moments in the Jackson 5 career as they happened. From their premier on the Ed Sullivan show, to the premier of Dancing Machine. My aunt had the BIGGEST crush on Michael and its funny how my cousins name ended up being Michael as well later on down the line in 1991, haha. My sister was born just in time for the Thriller era, and even had her own Thriller jacket, except it was pink and white. Her and my other cousin would get together and do the Thriller dance in my uncle's den as they would watch the making of it. I was born in 1988, and my era was Bad and Dangerous. I have early memories of dancing around the living room to Bad, The Way You Make Me Feel and Smooth Criminal. I always wanted to defy gravity and do the lean like in Smooth Criminal and i'd get in the middle of the floor and copy every move, turn and drop to the knees from Man in the Mirror. And i swore up and down that i would marry Michael and have his kids. Every time me and my cousins would play barbies, i was ALWAYS married to Michael and it was much easier to imagine him as my husband because i had my sisters Michael doll from the 80's. My little brother, nieces and nephews all know about Michael Jackson's music and these are late 90's babies. They have a love and respect for his music and that will continue on for generations to come.

And although Janet's music got me through depression, Michael's music got me through chores, parties and late night karaoke. There are so many good memories linked to his music that he DID become a part of our family. There was no party without Michael and we backed him up all the way when ever he was in troubling times. and although none of us ever knew him personally, you would think we did. he transcended through generations, and its amazing to see it in my own family. And as we sat and watched the BET Awards sunday night, we couldnt help but be brought to tears when Janet walked out on stage and spoke to the fans. It touched me a bit more in a different way since im the huge Janet fan in the family, but we all had tears in our eyes and that started the night with shared memories and how we felt about this legend whos life was cut wayy too short. My mom, my aunt, my sister, and I watched Moonwalker for the first time together and laughed and talked about our favorite parts. We talked about how cute Michael was during the Bad era and how he was such a beautiful soul whom was so innocent. it was evident through his work and how his inner child came out in his work. He had fun with what he did, while still trying to make changes in the world. My aunt said it correctly in saying that it was like we lost a family member, because the way i look at it, we did. we lost the man who made the soundtrack to our lives, who gave us good memories to look back on and music to celebrate to.

With his passing, its opened my eyes to look at myself in a different light. To look at the world differently. It gave meaning to the sayings, "Life is too short" and "You never know what tomorrow will bring you". I started thinking about on all the dreams i had as a kid and how possible them seemed.. and for some reason, the older i got the more further away the dreams got. but im ready to reclaim them. i've learned to look at my craft differently and to do 110% and not just half ass it because i can get away with it. Not only that, but my eyes have been opened to the world. That there IS a world beyond the small bubble it feels like i have kept myself in for so long. That there is ALWAYS someone else worse off then me, and if i can, i should help the less fortunate as much as i can. Michael Jackson has taught me how to be selfless, and thats something that im going to strive to practice more.

Michael Jackson death hit me harder than i ever thought it would. I was confused and baffled at first. I couldnt grasp why i was in such dispair. But he was apart of me, and apart of my childhood.. apart of my adulthood. and on June 25, 2009, i lost apart of me to heaven. But either way, Michael will always live strong in my heart. My kids will know about him and his music (along with of course Janet's) and they will know the impact he's had on me and my life.