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hm. so here it is. i've always known the answers, i guess now i have to face them head on.

theres been faults on both sides of the table. things have been done. and no matter how much i bruise and batter myself over it, its not gonna change anything. i wish with all my might i could change that single moment. that whole weekend. that weekend of bullshit that seemed to have ruined the chance that i had waited for for so long. living with that is something i have to do and eventually get over. the thought rips me apart inside, but only because im allowing it to. so at this moment and time i have to let it go and let it be. the fight in my heart is still there... but its not my fight anymore and my heart must fight in silence.

i may have very well missed my chance, and thats something i have to live with and get over.

why cant we just come to an agreement? why cant we just put our all into it at the same time and make it work? because we have to both be willing. now i understand when they say sometimes love isnt enough. maybe we can prove this wrong. but until then....

i cant control feelings and emotions. i cant soothe a pain i've caused. i cant fix a wrong that has no will to be fixed at the moment. my heart will always silently wait, but for now my mind will try to let it be. this fight in me doesnt want to let go so easily but i have to. for my sanity and his. and although these tears fall. i will be okay. and it will be what it is suppose to be. life will go on, and i'll still be here tomorrow even if i feel like a part of me is still missing.

i have to disappear. i dont know for how long. but i have to sit and reflect on me. i have to focus and trust that things will be where they need to in the end.