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its been a little while. when i told myself i was gonna start blogging again, i expected it to be at least once a week. its like when i have so much to say, i cant say anything at all.

its amazing when you can sit in a bath tub and think of the many ways you can kill yourself to ease the pain. its even more amazing when its one person thats caused so much anguish. i always thought that it was crazy.. hearing about people commiting suicide over someone they cared and was in love with. but now i dont think its so crazy. now now, theres no need to call the suicide hotline, or refer me to suicide help websites. been there. done that. i dont really have the balls to go through with anything, but just the thought.... maybe thinking of these things make me sick as a person. but i think of what i could do, how they would find me, and who would be crushed by my sudden leave.

Jimmy. and i mention names because honestly? one day the truth has to come out and one day everyone will have to know. I've been off and on with him for two years, three months and one day exactly. the on times have always been wonderful. the off times have always been torture. deep down i always knew his feelings, i always knew he was it no matter what people said. but some how or another we've allowed, i've allowed people to interfer with the one thing i've always wanted, but never knew it could be ALL i wanted. we've both had our faults, we've both had people talk shit on us, about us and about each other. but theres a time when you have to say fuck them all... and maybe i said it all just a little too late.

everytime we've been off, there was always this unspoken, "he'll be back". and it wasnt in a negative way.. a vindictive way. just fact. and im sure he was saying the same thing about me. this time i still have that feeling, but i dont think he does. i think he's finally rolled over and admitted that its over and its time to close this chapter of us, of me. but i still feel that honestly its not over. this isnt the end of us. the thought makes me sick to my stomach. i never thought i could love someone so much, that the thought of them leaving makes me physically sick. the thought of him leaving causes me physical pain.

its true, you dont know what you've got til its gone... he realized that 7 months ago when i walked away. i told him off, i told him i didnt want to have anything to do with him. I ended it and i think it caught him by surprise. he told me it made him realize alot. alot of things i thought i already knew. but now that this is looking me in the face, that this could be really it this time. no ifs, buts, or maybes. it kills me, because once again he's slipped through my fingers and this time its probably for good. all the confidence i've had for the past 2 years, 3 months and 1 day is slowly starting to wear. not the confidence in our love, but the confidence in the fact that we'll be together again. its a hard pill to swallow. and after this i honestly dont think i'll be okay. because as dramatic as it sounds, i feel like im losing half of my future. of course theres life without him, i know this. i know theres life after him. but that life is only going to be half of what it could of been no matter how hard i try to make it whole.

anyone who has read the twilight series... right now, i feel like Bella did in the book New Moon. left alone and cold. a shell of myself. im on autopilot as i watch the world swirl around me. but in my story, even if there is a Jacob to save me, i dont think i could ever take the offer.