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When i blog i feel like i need to come 100% honest and true. im exposing myself cause i feel like.. what else do i have? all people can do is sit there and judge me and its not like im not doing enough of that to myself. i write because its easier for me to release my feelings in letters then in speaking words. i can better express myself and its free for anyone else to read it. because i know theres someone else who has it just like me and i know theres someone who has it even WORSE. i feel like we're all here to share our stories. some stories are only shared between select people and some choose to share their stories to whoever will listen. i can easily sit and write in a notebook all day long about whats deep inside of me... and i have. but i feel like, those words. they just sit there after they're written. yes they're outside of my mind and away from my heart, but what are they doing? nothing. i feel like if theres a public way of expressing myself, i should used it as much as possible because words have effect on everyone. and if the words i've written about whats on my mind and on my heart can help someone else and make them feel like they're not alone... i've accomplished that much more in my life then i could ever dream. people can think so selfishly about their careers, what they can do to advance for themselves and theirs. but some never think about the impact they can have on other people. everything out there that is done by the human race impacts something and someone, but if you're more aware of it? it'll make that much more of an impact. if you KNOW what you do in your life impacts something, it makes what you do and who you are that much more enjoyable. I only hope that my words can do that for someone else. so when people ask why im so.. okay with exposing myself, its because one day it'll reach someone and hopefully impact their lives and their outlook on life.

i've already gotten one thank you for being an open book and allowing myself to be open. because i helped them see things about themselves that they didnt see until i exposed it within myself. dont bottle things up, and express yourself in a creative manner. let it all go, and put it into something because you'll never know how it can effect someone else.

Hm, so with that being said. i wouldnt be what you would call a patient person. i hate waiting with a passion. i know good things comes to those who wait, but its like time... when you want it to fly, it inches by slowly. when you want it to go slow, it moves at a breath taking pace.

but this waiting game. i've been battling with it forever it seems like. i wait when i have the choice to NOT wait, but yet when i HAVE to wait i dont want to. Im waiting for something i dont have to wait for, but in a way i have to wait on. i have to be patient in a situation that is painful either way. if i dont wait and walk away no matter how painful it is, but the outcome is what i've wanted.... its like, why couldnt i have just waited? but then if i wait, no matter how painful THAT is and the outcome is not what i wanted its like.. why did i wait?

having a choice given by someone when its not even a choice by your standards is hard. he told me to not wait if someone comes along and it feels right. if its a good person who wants to be with me and everythings good. dont wait for him because its not fair to me. but i found that person. i found someone else that i thought i could be happy with. but i let her go because in my heart it just wasnt right. it was a choice i had to make. i could of went home and told him to never call me again. i could of went home and made something work with me and her even with all the frustration and hurt. i could of walked away and let it all go. but i didnt. because in the end it would of NEVER been right. it would of been hollow and i would have longed to be with someone that wasnt her and sometimes you just know. you know when you've found the right person. the puzzle piece that fits and that no matter what happens, that piece will always fit because thats how things are. so being told that i dont have to wait means nothing to me. because in the end im going to wait anyways because that feeling is so strong. i cant have what ifs about this situation, and im willing to wait to see the outcome even if the waiting seems pointless in the end.

but im hurting. the funny thing is im hurting either way. and at this point i dont know which pain is stronger. walking away can be done, but still seems impossible because i dont WANT to. i can sit here and tell myself not to call, but then all of a sudden im dailing those numbers even though i DO want to give him his space. i can tell myself, regardless of the outcome, i can just leave it alone and get over it. just leave it all behind and just get over the pain. but for some reason it wont work this way. not in this situation. i was able to let go of so many other things regardless of the outcome, so why is this so hard? why doesnt my heart just let it go. and its because of that it hurts either way. because sitting here and waiting pains me, because waiting can be a scary thing. waiting for someone to make their decision on something you've always felt so sure about. i can only understand to a certain extent, but then it all stops because why? why cant you be as certain as i can? i get angry and frustrated and i want to cry. i have a way out, but the way out hurts. i can stay. but staying makes me hurt too. because i dont know what hes thinking. i dont know where hes at and i dont know what can be done to make him sure again. either way im driving myself nuts.

after this though i'll never have to wait again. not on him. because either its gonna be in our favor to have a relationship or not. and if its not, even with all that pain of not being with him i know i'd never have to suffer the pain of waiting for him because it would be all over. but because things arent set in stone yet and theres that possible chance still.. i will wait, because that all i can do. i cant walk away with possibility on the table. just please.. dont keep me waiting forever.

im crazy and its insane when you can sit here and admit to being crazy. but you know what? im tired. im tired of hiding, of seeming like im okay because im not.

thinking. it drives me nuts. because i run around and around in circles. about what i could have done, what i should have done and what i can do now. what i cant do. how am i gonna do what i feel like needs to be done. how can i make it all work. how can i fix this, how can i fix that. i make everything a burden on myself because i feel like its my burdens to deal with. i hate asking for things because i dont want to be a burden on anyone else and i try my damned hardest to not make anyone else feel like a burden on me. and when i let things go, i feel guilty like i shouldnt have. i havent be able to sleep. because at night is when my mind runs. and runs. in circles. around and around. and it doesnt stop until my eyes shut against the thoughts in my head and my brain has no choice but to shut down because my body physically cant handle it anymore.

and wow. walking away from ANYTHING is the last thing i'd ever do. walking away is my last resort. until i've used up all the possibilities, i wont walk away. until its told to me that it cant be done and theres no other option, i wont leave. and thinking in circles is what i do in order to not walk away. because theres this need inside of me to figure it all out. theres this need inside of me to know if theres possibility or not. if there isnt, i can leave it alone with more ease. but dont give me no possibility just to ease my pain, because thats not gonna help anything either.

walking away is my LAST resort. if theres a possibility, im not walking out on it.