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someone once used a tree to represent your life. you have the leaves, the branches and the roots. the leaves are the people who come and go just like the leaves do through out the year. they grow, and then fall off when the time has come. the branches seem pretty sturdy, but they will break under pressure. the branches are people who are there for the good times, but cant and wont stay for the bad times because they break under pressure. the roots are the ones that are there for good. the unconditional lovers. the ones that have your back through anything. because whats a tree with out its roots. it wouldnt be able to stay in the ground and it would slowly die.

in the past month i've lost three people and very well may have lost the last person i would have never wanted to lose. two of these people were disgused as roots, they acted like they were there for me and that we had a soild friendship, but in the end they were just branches. they broke under pressure and couldnt be there when i most needed them. they judged me and brought me down about the choices i made and the decisions i settled with. the other person, i think was a root, but was accidently pulled out by my self. they gave me tools to work with and guidence, but maybe i tested them too far and stressed them out too much. but then again, isnt that what happens to branches? this person that i might be losing... i guess time will only tell if they are strong enough and willing enough to be a root and i hope wasnt just a branch for this long in disguise. theres been so much stress and strain... but then also good and best times. i hope this isnt the breaking point, because deep down in my heart i feel like it isnt over yet and i think they feel the same way.

but out of all of this, i have realized who my real true roots are and will always be. my mommy, my sister cydni, my stepdad and GOD. they're love is unconditional no matter who i love, what choices i make in life or who i associate myself with. they're there through the thick and thin and they're apart of me i could never lose. i've taken them for granted so many times, and i cant do it anymore. they know im a growing woman and that im going to make mistakes. sometimes even the same mistakes over and over. but it doesnt make them love me or like me any less. if anything it makes them love me and support me more. and i thank them for that. im just sorry and i feel so stupid that it took this long and for me to lose almost 4 people to realize this. maybe i've always known all along, but these disguised branches were blocking my view and misguiding me in the wrong direction.

to everyone that i've hurt in the process of growing, im sorry. i never ment to hurt you on purpose or to seem like i didnt care. to those who have been able to stick it out with me and support me, i give you everything i have and promise to never take you for granted again.

I've lately been not only going through all of that, but theres been an issue with my father. i was daddy's little girl growing up, despite the drama that came along with that. for the longest time i didnt understand until i became of age and was able to understand. i was never asked to choose sides, but it still loomed above me. an unspoken request that everyone knew they couldnt ask of me. but in the end i think the decision was made for me by the person who couldnt handle the pressure anymore. my father. its understood that if i ever need anything, he'll be there for me. but as for being active like how he has been in the past, its just not going to happen anymore. and honestly i think he made his decision based on selfish reasons. hes feeling bad for what hes done in his past, and because of the close bond between my mom and my sister, he knows whats being said. he has to know. so he's seperating himself... and maybe its because he thinks one day down the line im going to do it myself. or maybe he thinks i already have. and for the longest time i wanted to fight this battle. but its almost obvious that this isnt a battle he's willing to fight because he has given up so easily. its painfull because me and him were so so close. i see why fathers are the ones who give away their daughters in their weddings. its because those who have the chance to have that type of relationship with their dad, they give them their heart. and when its time to grow up and become a woman, a father has to give away his daughters heart to the right man. well, i feel like my dad has given away that task. he gave away my heart because he can deal with what he has done. and if he cant deal with it, there will always be this unspoken strain on our matured relationship. it was so much easier when i was little. but now im grown.. im growing. and i understand ALOT more than i would have at the age of 7. theres things he just cant hide anymore... and theres things that im not shy asking about anymore. maybe one day i'll have enough fight in me to call and talk it out to him. but as for right now, sometimes its just better to let the situation be.

My heart has been so heavy lately. but the more things start coming out and situations are unfolding, the lighter its becoming. til next time <3