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how am i suppose to express how i feel when i dont even really know how i feel?

actually thats a lie. I DO know how i feel, but I dont know what to do with those feelings... I dont know if i SHOULD express them. Should I hide them? Should I bury them deep down to where they dont exist anymore? Why does my heart hurt when I think of such things?

i know. theres so much i have to take care of first. so many things that have to be done. but whos to say that they have to be done this way and in this time? wait... im jumping the gun a bit. I wanted to talk about the heart. the heart is an interesting thing. I have experienced heartbreak. But i have also experienced the pain that comes with it. I have felt my heart HURT and its not the best feeling in the world. I think I've always been an intuitive person, I know how to read people... but most importantly i know how to read myself. I've always been in tune with my body, but Im also in tune with my mind, my heart, my soul.

It hasnt always been this way, maybe in the last couple of years have I opened my mind, heart, & soul to this idea of being "awake" and its really only been about 8 months since i've actively been working on being "awake". I just... listen to myself, listen to my body and what it wants. Sometimes, I dont listen to it and do what I want, but I always end up paying for it. But... I should trust what my body is telling me, and when I do its always the best results. Its the same with my mind. I have been using the same intuition with my mind that i have always seem to have with my body. I've started to listen to myself, listen to the answers I already have.

I guess in a more spiritual sense, I've really been able to connect and be one with myself. And maybe with doing so has connected me to God even more. I've never been religious. Even as a small child, as much as i desired to be (even if part of it was to please my dad), i just never fit. It never felt right, like I was meant to learn and listen in a different way. I think I knew at a very young age that religion wasnt how I was going to find and understand a higher power. when i ended up taking a religions class in college, I decided that if I were to ever seriously practice a religion, I'd probably go into Buddhism. It seems to me, to make the most sense. Theres no sure fire way to get to heaven, and even if you do everything in your power to be "right" it doesnt make it right. Just be a good person, the best way you know how. Love. Care. Be gentle and understanding. Dont vow to be the best anything when it comes to religion, just vow to be you.

Love is this universal language that everyone wants to put a label on. they want to put a label on how to do it, who to do it with, and if you do it with the wrong person... if you love the wrong person, then you need to be prayed for. I dont understand, how can you love the wrong person? how can love be wrong?

Anyways, before i get on to a totally different rant... changing my mind from thinking that i needed religion to thinking no, Im more spiritual has been eye opening. I think for years i gave up on both, because i didnt understand. I couldnt be spiritual enough.. i couldnt understand enough to separate having spirit and having religion. and it wasnt until I woke up. Until i opened my mind, heart, and soul to the universe... to myself... and finally to God. I have my own relationship with Him and thats all that matters. I dont need a church, or a group of people to tell me how to love this higher power. I dont need a religion to judge me and my personal and very special relationship with God. He understands me because He created me. What more could I ask for? and because He created me, all I have to do is open myself, and willingly allow Him into my life. Because I've finally dropped the curtains and I've been awaken... I feel more at peace.

Now, thats not to say Im stress free... because life IS hell. its hell on earth, and it causes the most stress.. Even when everything is going to go right, it has to go wrong first. Im not in control of that. I can only learn the lessons that I was meant to learn from them and move on.

Which brings me back full circle. I am awake. But... what happens when you open your heart so much. You find so many answers that you dont know how to deal with them? and what happens when your answers have to do with someone else. someone else who has just a big of a decision to make as you do?

I guess... I just have to continue to focus on myself... until whatever answers I have come into play. I have so much more to do. and im so excited about them. Im excited for life and Im excited for the journey. An end point isnt even my concern anymore because the end point isnt up to me. As of now, the end is non-existent. Its about now. Its about the one big thing i have to accomplish every day. And that big thing will change every day, until the day that God decides that the end is near. But until then, thats none of my concern. What is my concern is keeping my eyes and heart open. Listening to my soul and continuing my spiritual journey.

until next time...

SO wow alot has happened in the past couple of days. Always with a lot of anxiety because apparently that's my default right now. I don't even know what its about half the time, but then well.. today I kinda figured it out. I think I knew what the anxiety was. Who am I kidding, I'm totally in tune with my body pretty much at all times. But for whatever reason I would just like let myself calm down. It was interesting.

That was me totally rambling. I'm sorry.

SO (ha, that the real starter) Janet Jackson has finally decided to come out of hiding. How glorious is that, I don't even know how to contain my excitement about it. Like, because of this grand journey I've personally been on, this super aware thing has got my Janet feelings at 100% and we don't even have a new song yet! I just feel so... Happy that I get to see her again in this life time. that sound morbid a bit I know, but its really true... ANYWAYS. So her new project seems like its going to be super interesting. She's attaching the Rhythm Nation um i guess logotype if you will to the whole thing right off the bat, which with Janet anything like that is super intentional. The design is also super simple and NOTHING of her face has even been released. It seems like we're getting a concept album and its going to be fucking amazing!



^ see that. I cried. She just said... "new music" and I cried. I don't even. this feels so good, and I'm just waiting for it. I've seen a lot of things going around about a comeback and can she do it?! But see, with Janet its never about a come back. it's about something deeper. shes grown and matured with her fans. she sees her newer generation of fans and she sees how deeply her movements, her just fierce energy... how they have inspired us. Janet's gonna give us this gift, we better do good by it!

so you know, its totally Rhythm Nation 2015. And the Janfam are gonna rock it something fierce.



These are quotes that I've collected over the years. I thought they deserved a place here. My best friend told me that I should write everyday, no matter good or bad. I think that's a good idea. There's a ton of things dancing in my head. but right now all i can focus on is how cloudy it is from the cough syrup i just inhaled...

oh yes. the quotes:

"Accept me for who I am, no one can take my place. I'm doing the best I can." -Janet Jackson ♥

"If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with." –Michael Jackson♥

"It is better to fail in originality, than to succeed in imitation." -Michael Jackson♥

“I feel most people’s sexuality is enormously complicated. That’s what it means to be human. Wouldn’t it be great if we honored that complexity rather than turn it into gossip or ridicule? Wouldn’t it be great if we accepted sexual diversity, in ourselves and others, without condemning it?” -Janet♥

"I'm an Artist... and I'm sensitive about my shit!" -Erykah Badu

"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Capt. Jack Sparrow.

"Okay now he was close, tried to domesticate you, but you're an animal, baby it's in your nature..." -Robin Thicke, 'Blurred Lines'.

"Tonight, you, the American people reminded us that while our road has been hard and our journey has been long, we know in our hearts that the best is yet to come." -President Barack Obama, Re-Election 2012

"Obsession makes my life worse and my work better." -Stefan Sagmeister. Graphic artist.

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep and I've got miles to go before I sleep." -Robert Frost.

"I'm the author of my own life. Unfortunately I'm writing in pen. Mistakes I make can not be erased. The only option is to turn the page and start a new chapter." -Britney Spears ♥

"You might lose yourself trying to help someone else find themselves. Be careful." -Tony Gaskins Jr.

"love comes when we least expect it, when we're not looking for it. hunting for love never brings the right partner. it only creates longing and unhappiness. love is never outside ourselves; love is within us. don't insist that love come immediately. perhaps you're not ready for it. don't settle for anybody just to have someone. set your standards." - Louise L. Hay

So I always think about this thing, and I always say I should keep up with it. I have this desire to write and talk about my life. I guess when there's so much going on I don't actually have the time to talk about it. And when there's nothing going on, well then... I feel like whats the point of typing up pointless shit.

but I want to be better. I need to document this time in my life. I've learned so much and I'm learning so much. I just moved into my own place. Like, my name is on the lease, I'm the primary tenant. Bills are in my name. I have my own space. I don't know how to process that. AND in a completely different country then my home country. I'm not sure if this will ever process properly.

On the same token, I miss home. I miss California. I miss everyone there. Vancouver isn't my forever home, and I've finally realized that. I think all this time I've been looking for something in life. and its not to say that I've found it. I think its a continuous work in progress. I've finally settled with this ever moving thing. Life is not static, its fluid and it moves and there's always chance for something new.

I have to remember that, there's always a chance for something new.

Hmm. More on that later.

<3

Week two in the bag! For some reason in the morning though, homesickness is triggered. Im not sure whats doing it, my routine isnt THAT different. But maybe its just the simple changes that make the biggest difference...? Who knows, but once i get my day started and into things that are more "normal" or even things that are new to explore outside, i feel much better. Im enjoying walking around town and getting to know my new neighborhood. Im also learning and figuring my way around my schools neighborhood, since thats REALLY going to be my hub. Im loving what i see, and what can easily become routine for me and my places of get away when needed. Although in the mist of it all, i still find myself planning a visit home and wondering when it will be possible. I really want to finish my degree though, and do it at an awesome school and make the most of my experience. but also, i must not feel weak or too prideful when wanting to visit home. its okay to feel homesick, and its okay to miss home. there is no shame in that. and i know that after a long semester, i can always go home, visit for a few weeks and everything will be okay. This is a chapter in my life that i have opened and started. I dont want it to abruptly end or go blank. I want it to be finished and full of adventure. Im totally going to leave my footprints all over this town!

Welp... its been awhile since i've posted here, but i figure this would be a good way to get all my feelings out whether anyone reads this or not. its somewhere to post my thoughts and feelings. I've always felt like my life has been this one long journey, but isnt that what life is suppose to be? A journey. Sometimes the journey is long in bursts sometimes its short. Right now im not too sure how long this journey will last. its slated for 3 years at the moment. it could be longer, it could be shorter. I guess only time will tell. I have been having this issue with reality, and switching perspectives. Living a different way from what im used to within my limits of how i am willing to live with the means i have. How can i make a situation more comfortable without changing who i am or settling for less than i should have? That is the balance i have to figure out and decide what is best for me. But the only way to do so, is to do it! So here i am in Vancouver Canada! (i know, me and my crazy ideas) and i've been a bit hard on settling in. but i guess, its only been a week... school hasnt started yet... and my summer easiness has been disrupted for figuring out my life here. Its been a bit hard, just a feeling of being lost in a city where i have few ties... unlike california, where everyone i know and love is there. I must say, im happy for social media and the many ways i can communicate with them, it will make the transition from the things i've known for so long to new things, so much easier. For once i am ready for school to start, that will be something normal for me and set me up to really get into the groove of things. i think right now my time feels non-purposeful and its making me really anxious. once i start doing the one thing i really came for, i will feel more settled within. i think the summer break is wearing thin on me, im itching to do more with my time. but i guess also, i should be careful for what i ask for. its a bit odd though, i am not feeling my normal laziness about things. im feeling quite opposite, i have this buzzing under my skin, the need to explore. i need to see it all. i think thats how i will keep my sanity. im not afriad, im just tired of sitting still.

if you want to see how im doing... dont lurk. just talk to me. i dont bite promise. :)

but if you really want to know... i was with someone. we broke up. i had a complete mental breakdown. got help. im stable again. actually happy. and i've found someone who shares my love and understanding of Janet. actually. in this point in life i honestly couldnt ask for more. Im working. Im enjoying school. I have a car. im doing okay. but. you know how to contact me. and you know my facebook page. i hope you're doing as well. i wont lie. i think about you. because i will always care. i hope that you are okay and everything is going good.

On a different note. i should start keeping up with this thing. more people actually check this out than i thought. hm. <3